Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Love never ends, every day is a beginning.

I am in Love, wow sounds exciting. Now comes the toughest part of it expressing it. I wonder about my friend madan, who barely speaks a word. But told to hima in fraction of a second. Sounds like a mug of vodka drunk bottom up that too On the Rocks!! Similarly there are many good and bad examples who are masters in expressing love. As a born spectator of these my confession to it is i secretly admired the very skill of "Expressing Love". Copying a bollywood style will be: Me in some street in Switzerland with my half naked heroine running around apple trees. Not to forget the bizarre stare the onlookers provide.

I never had a problem in communication. The most talkative in class, participated in all debate competitions. Won many friends coz of the very attitude i keep to barge into people. As my grandfather puts it u win friends only if u talk to them. Having said this, i felt very nervous to speak to her. "What do i tell her?and How?". Thought of every single thing from inland letter to email's. But lemme tell you, you dont want to have that feeling again - a state of total confusion.
One thing i was very sure was i am not doing anything wrong. This is what i want, infact i want the most. These were the dream of a young man jobless and now bedridden due to Hepatitis-B humara apna Jaundice.

She used to call me almost daily, updating news about friends getting into one job or the other. Some planning for higher studies. Most of the time i never listened to her, i was just thrilled to hear her voice. This also is the time when society puts you under maximum pressure. All were more interested in my job prospect, my career plan etc. Most of them concerned less on my health and more about the unemployment around. A fine morning she and my friend travelled all the way to see me, also the time when results were out. Our results were good, engineers finally! My parents were obviously happy because of the number of back papers i maintained earlier. Phew!! the end for all the strains.

The phone calls decreased exponentially both from friends circle and her. Everyone busy trying to make a mark for themselves. All unaware of the big corporate jungle waiting to chew us off. Toppers of the class struggling to make it in the final run. A mood of tiredness and disappointment in all mails and phone calls. Even the most confident ones, almost kneeled down. And here i am merrying and taking rest in the clutches of jaundice. When i was retaining my health, she called me about a marriage proposal she recieved and her parents discussed about it pretty seriously to her. She seemed tensed and worried, never she knew on the other end of the phone am more worried than her. "Shabbu beta, ab tere paas time nahi hein. Saale bolna hein tho ab bol" i said to myself. The day i proposed her was funny in a way, a drowsy rainy morning and even more drowsier response. She was not amazed for sure but may be she felt i was late. There could be 1000 reason around it, but was damn sure she not liking me could be the reason. I was tenacious like a mad dog not to let myself off. How hard she tried, she confessed her liking. She liked me for the silliest to the best of things.

But then came a stagnant period no progress in any fronts, professional and personal. I filled in the shoes of roberto baggio after the missed penalty in 94 fifa finals. Then those chapters in my life i never want to revisit. For our striking understanding, one was we both loved and still love our parents more than anything else. To be short the happy ending we dreamt or we saw in movies never happened. Some say past is past, its what in future lies everything. If given a chance, i would like to change a few stuffs here and there. I repent on my weak heart, may be she was the reason god wanted it to be strong. Life is about chances, you miss it or you grab it. Mine was there for the grabbing, but i blind eyed to it.

Steven Spielberg once said "The sole difference between porn and erotica is the Lighting around it". The nature of life is very similar, everything lies in the eyes of the beholder. You can either repent and mourn over it. But i prefer to cherish those moments. The halo of love that surrounded me and still surrounds me is surreal. This Love never ends, for me every day it been a beginning....

Thursday, November 1, 2007

The beckoning moment

Friends : after all the certain thing in life which you choose.
Love : you dont choose it just happens.
I would say there ain't any requirement specification for love, it does not come with a guarantee card, Its just a spark waitin to ignite your life. Makes you think bright. Changes you and everything associated to you. Peope say when you are in love, you become mad. Same thing happened to me, memories of which i still cherish.My simple understanding is; If god had not created love he would have left his masterpiece called life boring and full of SH**.

I knew her for more than 4 years, 4 years went off in a zoom. We were friend the moment we met, some sort of chemistry kept us bonded...i really dunno when i started liking her. There were a numerous thing in her which i didn't like but still i wanted to be with her. We were so together as friends in college that i could not think of my life after college and after her. i made fun of her for every single thing ,we laugh at the most silly things. A day came when she had to depart, as a good friend i went to see her off. I felt like she wanted to say something, but may be the crowd around us stopped her. Train started to move with waving hands and filled eyes she said "I'll call you". If i were maniratnam i would have put the most melodious song to highlight the scene. I remember everything about that moment date,time, the dress she wore even the most minute detail. Went back home dejected and hugged my grandma. Patting on my back she said "Mone, you can meet your friends any time you want to, they cant just disappear". She brought back my smile, i said to myself "What the heck? its just 5 hours, i can meet her up any time".

That night i could not sleep, tried every posture drank up every bottle of water in the fridge. Time is 1130 pm now i cant call her, maybe she is online. I logged into yahoo, rediff, u name it. Naah!!!no sign of her. Started to type in a mail but could not finish it. In short i am frustrated as hell, first time in my whole life i am feeling so odd. As if the world is looking up to me, for me to decide. I couldn't believe am in "L.O.V.E". You cant force it, it just happens. There are certain moments which you can't define, which you want to revisit every other day. This moment tops the list. Its the very moment you understand you are in love. Man, i was so happy. I wanted a big microphone and announce. I did not bother anything else and now these things doesn't matter to me. But, What next???