Monday, January 19, 2009

The Original DON


April 11th one sunny afternoon me and noufal were in the cafeteria for lunch.
I get a call from Jojy. As i pick up and before i say hello to him...
he says "Binu marichu poyi"("Binu passed away").
Some kinda slap or i dont know what it felt like it felt pretty bad. I erred and he repeated "Nammude Binu John..avan marichu"("Our Binu, he passed away"). "Enganeyada?? Accident aayirunno??"("was it an accident??, how can that happen?")
Jojy said nothing more..after a brief pause he continued.....
"Alleda..accident alla!! Entho nerve problem aanenna arinja..ithuvare details onnum ariyilla"("Not an accident, it is a kind of nerve problem")
clearly he didn't want to speak more about it. He cut the call and for no reason i kept saying "hello" back to him. Didn't feel like eating anymore, went back to my cubicle. Did not feel like working either, came out and told JD. he too was shell shocked..both stood there at the corridoors like a portrait. Got permission from yogesh and went home early..on the whole drive way back i was not at all concentrating on the drive. Many pictures went in front of my eyes felt like crying loud and hug somebody tightly.

First thing after reaching my room called my home..no one was there to pick up the call. Called amma's school and told her the news..all of a sudden amma could not recollect who binu was??
i said "guy who spoke hindi to you..from bhopal"
Amma recollected binu "ohh..binu john with glasses"
again the same pause and she asked me "where are you now?".
"in my room i replied...i dunno what to do" again a brief pause.
Amma was in her headmasters room so she had to put a brave and bold face..she told some consoling words and gods will in ones life etc. Cried the whole evening sitting in my room..frustrated, angry,emotional it was a bag full of bad moments. Then there was an array of phone calls..to gireesh,to vava, to unda,raghu,jojy....until the prepaid charge got used up. Virtually collapsed into the bed and laid down there eyes gazed on the roof. Sreekumar came to the room and he too was dumbstruck on the news. Didnt feel like talking to him either. Disintenrested a feeling of robbed or something lost. That single day went like an year..with waves of thoughts on my minds.

I regret still not getting down at bhopal on my travel from delhi to palakkad. He would have invited me umpteen times to come there. Even the day before i booked the tickets he called me for changing the plans. Laziness or a sense of taking-granted-on-him or whatever..i felt 'will do it later'. Until now that time never came..to be frank. Still when someone speaks about bhopal or france(he is an avid france supporter) his voice still rings in my ears. Our room was called "BASE" (binu,ashok,sabarish and ejaz) was the hot bed for all the football/political discussions. Sometimes i think our friendship with each one of us solidified or got a bit more strengthened after Binu left us(physically though). I dunno how to put it in writing but the feeling i pass through is 'never lose an opportunity to speak or to meet your friend'. Its not like a bad omen but its in the pleasant way of sharing love with each other. A statement of 'you never know', though puts me in defensive but atleast keeps the contacts live.

Binu was not exactly a charismatic guy, he was more like a soulful person (a very rare trait these days). Spoke to people with a lot of conviction and self belief. Everyone amongst us respected him like a big brother though he never craved for that ounce of respect. A very very passionate guy...sometimes leading him to some irrepairable mistakes, but would easily pump that explosion of passion in to you. A very creative person at heart and his poems had a slant for the lover inside him. Many did not know the person he was, for that fact i know him only in meagre amounts.
But as time passes by and everyone flourishing in their respective lives i feel i ought to pay some dividence to the person who made that tiny difference in my life. .The long walk one night with him in a way changed my outlook on some circumspect thought of mine. It wasn't a radical change but his words had a multitude of effect on them. Its easy, for an adamant person like me to re-think huh?? he must be a damn good speaker and i must have some place for him in my heart.

Since the day i started my blog i always wanted to write something on Binu here..infact some of these lines are stolen from my diary and the few pointers i made on those days. This may or may not pay justice to the person he is, you may or may not wanna read it again. But this is one of those things that fills your heart, so please bear with me friends. i personally feel no blogs would pay justice for the relationship we shared...always loviing him.
-Shabbu

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Role Models..

Anyone gone through interviews and its preparations might know the set of questions we study. Similarly i used to browse through the various interview questions and would ask myself what would be my answer to it. Such a question was "who is your role model in life?". This would have been a simple question to others, but i was and am a person with no base. You will find me doing anything and everything so basically i had no clue whom was i really 'iconizing' in my life.

Abdul Kalam our president then was a personality i liked a lot and still do. But those were a generic effect by media and the books i read about him. He is a good personality and a great indian but was never my role model. I wanted a better answer. Such was my conquest to find this teeny weeny worm in my head. Sachin, Maradona, Agassi, Stallone, Vajpayee, Mahatma Gandhi, Che, Spielberg i evaluated one by one. Though i can brag and brash to the interviewers and project it as one superb packaged answer.....it never would be really true to my heart.

I remember my friends take on this were different as well. For example Jim Joseph felt a different way, "we useless people have no role models. we hardly emulate anybody in life. if anyone asks me who is your role model? i'll reply sorry i dont have anyone" this was his take. For a minute i thought may be he is true, but then naah never. There are people i emulate and fancy as peoples, as good souls. Binu John for instance thought his role model was zinedine zidane, as he is a true ambassador of hardwork and talent to reach the top. Hmm valid point eh? Ramakrishnan said he had no clear idea either, he would say some name his mind clings on during the interview.

I started thinking whom is that i try to compare and keep as a benchmark, this helped me finding the answer. Infact i was lucky to find two, one was ranjietta my cousin and other was none other than my father. Ranjietta was my hero since childhood days, for his intelligence and confidence. His take on life's matters were pretty simple and he liked it that way. Maybe he was my influence to read a lot on politics, he though was a strong proponent of communistic ideologies. But best part was his humbleness to life, he was happy with whatever god provided him and he took everything along the strides. I was on cloud nine when he gave his cycle to me when i was in 9th standard. i would say even my career changed after speaking to him on his dinner table in his noida apartment. Such big was his image in my life.

Speaking on Acha, to be very frank we never spoke face to face till i grew old enough. I was so afraid of him..typical military dad. He would order more and speak less those days. Me and Shyama used to be scared when he is at home. But to all that there was a very jovial and funny person inside, he can change the whole mood immediately with one joke. I like the way he loves his family, he was a wonderful son and is still an even great brother to his sisters. He is no the perfect soul on earth but for us he was our kick-ass dad. One thing i have taken from his philosophy is never be submissive to anybody, always have your own take on matters. Still there are hardly anything in my life thats not proportional to his thoughts, for that i think my father is my ultimate role model.

I think as one grows older he understand the basic fact that the happiness you search all around the world was right in between your eyes, inside your family and with your parents. Truly parents are one's best asset, unshakeable even in credit crunch era!!!